Probably because I’ve never seen one through to the end of the year.
But there is something about January that makes me reflective. Something that makes me want to evaluate where I am and where I’m going. And something about it always makes me feel unsettled.
Probably because I’m never happy with the reflection.
- I’m not the child of God I want to be.
- I’m not the wife I want to be.
- I’m not the mother I want to be.
- I’m not the daughter, sister or friend I want to be.
- I am most definitely not the writer I want to be.
Not because I don’t love writing. Not that quitting would mean quitting writing.
But it would mean pulling away from the writing community, not trying to get anything published and not being on any sort of deadline. It would mean writing what I felt like, when I felt like it.
It would be so much easier.
And for those of you who know me personally and know the level of chaos that is the current definition of my life, that might not seem like a bad idea.
This isn’t the first time I’ve thought about it. But it is the first time I’ve looked down the road and examined each path. One way is fairly smooth. The other. Well, I can’t see more than a few feet down the other, so I have no idea what happens if I go that way.
There’s really no question about which way I’ll go, or even which way is the right way. But it’s tempting to hang out in the middle for a while. Not moving forward in either direction. Stagnant. Stuck.
Which is where I’ve been for several weeks.
I’m tired. My life is insane.
I would like to quit.
But on a small board near my desk are two quotes, one from Beth Moore’s study of Esther and one from the Apostle Paul.
- I am not called to an easy life. I am called to a purposeful life.
- Rom. 11:29 - For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. (ESV)
What about you?
image courtesy of photobucket.com