And while I’m a lifetime member of the “I can fix this” club, there are some things I cannot fix. Some hurts I cannot heal. Some wrongs I cannot right. Some hearts wearing scars I cannot fade.
But I know Someone who can. So I pray.
And I pray.
And I pray.
When God answers, I rejoice.
When he doesn’t? I beat my head against the back of my chair and I look at my husband with tears streaming and I say, “I’ve prayed so hard. So hard. And it hasn’t done any good.”
I am broken.
And I cannot fix myself.
I have so much in common with Eve.
I think I know best. In fact, I think—although I never say this out loud because good Christian girls know better—that maybe God hasn’t thought this out as well as I have. Because if He had, He would agree with me. 100%.
I want my way.
And when God’s way makes no sense to me?
My faith cracks. Sometimes it’s a tiny fissure. Sometimes a gaping cavern.
Always it’s a wound. A wound that will not—cannot—heal without Him.
It’s at this point that I have a choice. We all have a choice.
We can stay broken, wounded, bleeding. Live out our lives miserable and bitter.
We can try to fix ourselves. Patch up the wound with whatever feels good. Cover up the scars with laughter and a heavy layer of denial.
Or we can let Him fix us.
We lay it all out there. Our hurt, our confusion, our anger, our desperation. We hold back nothing from Him.
We believe with the shards of faith we have left and we beg Him to help our unbelief.
And He does.
When He takes our broken pieces and puts them back together, the craziest things happens.
Our faith grows back . . . stronger than before.
But how do you do it? When faith stumbles? When belief wavers? When you don’t know where to start?
For me, it’s music. Songs that give voice to my pain and confusion. Songs that remind me of what I believe. Songs that help me worship when I don’t feel like it.
Here is my playlist for the broken. If you're hurting today, I invite you to listen. Just listen. Let Him put you back together again. Stronger than before.
Abba - It hurts. So much. Nothing will ever be the same. It feels like nothing will ever be right again. We don't understand. But we choose You. Over getting our way. Over what we think is best. Over having what we want. We choose You. We choose to believe that You are God and that there is no one like you. You are worthy of our praise. Father, we believe. Help our unbelief.