Friday, January 21, 2011

Stuck in the Middle

I’m not a big fan of New Year’s Resolutions.

Probably because I’ve never seen one through to the end of the year.

But there is something about January that makes me reflective. Something that makes me want to evaluate where I am and where I’m going. And something about it always makes me feel unsettled.

Probably because I’m never happy with the reflection.
  • I’m not the child of God I want to be.
  • I’m not the wife I want to be.
  • I’m not the mother I want to be.
  • I’m not the daughter, sister or friend I want to be.
  • I am most definitely not the writer I want to be.
And there is a part of me that wants to quit.

Not because I don’t love writing. Not that quitting would mean quitting writing.

But it would mean pulling away from the writing community, not trying to get anything published and not being on any sort of deadline. It would mean writing what I felt like, when I felt like it.

It would be so much easier.

And for those of you who know me personally and know the level of chaos that is the current definition of my life, that might not seem like a bad idea.

This isn’t the first time I’ve thought about it. But it is the first time I’ve looked down the road and examined each path. One way is fairly smooth. The other. Well, I can’t see more than a few feet down the other, so I have no idea what happens if I go that way.

There’s really no question about which way I’ll go, or even which way is the right way. But it’s tempting to hang out in the middle for a while. Not moving forward in either direction. Stagnant. Stuck.

Which is where I’ve been for several weeks.

I’m tired. My life is insane.

I would like to quit.

But on a small board near my desk are two quotes, one from Beth Moore’s study of Esther and one from the Apostle Paul.
  • I am not called to an easy life. I am called to a purposeful life.
  • Rom. 11:29 - For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. (ESV)
I’ve been stuck in the middle far too long. It's time to get back in the game.

What about you?

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Charity Tinnin said...

Thanks for sharing where you are, Lyn. Those quotes are crazy helpful. I've been plunging ahead but feeling overwhelmed by the business/discipline side of it. Your post is a great reminder of why I'm doing it this way.

Gal. 6:9 might also be a good verse to add to your board :)

Marcia Chadwick Moston said...

Have to is certainly a kill-joy for Want to. But pulling back doesn't necessarily mean retreat. Sometimes it's just a gatherin' ammunition time.

I hang onto "God will accomplish that which concerns me." May He refresh you in joy and wisdom in His presence.

Connie Whitcomb said...

Stuck in the middle. You are giving me things to think about....thanks