A Playlist for the Broken

So many things are messed up. So many people I love are hurting. So many friends are broken.

And while I’m a lifetime member of the “I can fix this” club, there are some things I cannot fix. Some hurts I cannot heal. Some wrongs I cannot right. Some hearts wearing scars I cannot fade.

But I know Someone who can. So I pray.

And I pray.

And I pray.

When God answers, I rejoice.

When he doesn’t? I beat my head against the back of my chair and I look at my husband with tears streaming and I say, “I’ve prayed so hard. So hard. And it hasn’t done any good.”

I am broken.

And I cannot fix myself.

I have so much in common with Eve.

I think I know best. In fact, I think—although I never say this out loud because good Christian girls know better—that maybe God hasn’t thought this out as well as I have. Because if He had, He would agree with me. 100%.

I want my way.

And when God’s way makes no sense to me?

My faith cracks. Sometimes it’s a tiny fissure. Sometimes a gaping cavern.

Always it’s a wound. A wound that will not—cannot—heal without Him.

It’s at this point that I have a choice. We all have a choice.

We can stay broken, wounded, bleeding. Live out our lives miserable and bitter.

We can try to fix ourselves. Patch up the wound with whatever feels good. Cover up the scars with laughter and a heavy layer of denial.

Or we can let Him fix us.

We lay it all out there. Our hurt, our confusion, our anger, our desperation. We hold back nothing from Him.

We believe with the shards of faith we have left and we beg Him to help our unbelief.

And He does.

When He takes our broken pieces and puts them back together, the craziest things happens.

Our faith grows back . . . stronger than before.

But how do you do it? When faith stumbles? When belief wavers? When you don’t know where to start?

For me, it’s music. Songs that give voice to my pain and confusion. Songs that remind me of what I believe. Songs that help me worship when I don’t feel like it.

Here is my playlist for the broken. If you're hurting today, I invite you to listen. Just listen. Let Him put you back together again. Stronger than before.



Abba - It hurts. So much. Nothing will ever be the same. It feels like nothing will ever be right again. We don't understand. But we choose You. Over getting our way. Over what we think is best. Over having what we want. We choose You. We choose to believe that You are God and that there is no one like you. You are worthy of our praise. Father, we believe. Help our unbelief.

(edited from the archives)

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Detailed Directions? Not exactly...

I like detailed directions.

Extremely detailed.

If you ever need directions to my house, I don’t just say turn left on this street and right on that one. Oh no. I include important information such as “Approximately 8/10 of a mile after you turn left you’ll come to a curve that makes you feel like you should put your turn signal on. The curve is 1/10 of a mile from your next right turn.”

People love my directions.

Okay. Actually, they laugh hysterically when the read them, but the reality is, if I give you directions, you are not going to get lost. At least, not if you follow them.

This need for detailed direction is probably why I struggle with Psalm 119:105.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

I learned the verse as a child and my mental picture involved an enormous spotlight shining its powerful beam a good 100 yards down the path.

But that’s not what we’re talking about here. Oil lamps don’t give off that much light. We’re talking about just enough light to avoid stubbing your toe on a root or slamming into a boulder.

And this frustrates me.

After all, God is quite capable of giving detailed directions.

Have you seen the book of Leviticus? I mean honestly. Talk about details. (I like to think I get my detail issues from the Almighty—it’s nicer than admitting to being a bit OCD).

And talk about lighting a path. This is the God of the Shekinah glory cloud and the pillar of fire. God knows how to light up a path when He wants to.

And yet . . .

He seems to prefer to give me just enough information to take the next step.

No more. No less.

You can’t race along a path with that little bit of light. Each step must be measured. Each foot placement considered. You have to be on your guard at all times. And you have to have faith that the destination is worth the harrowing journey.

Of course, my faith is what’s at issue.

I have to trust that the One who lights my path, knows my path.

So I continue to step out, never knowing what’s next, but knowing He does.

from the archives

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Where Do You Live?

Where do you live?

I don’t mean geographically. I mean day-to-day. Hour-by-hour. Minute-by-minute.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I’ve come to this conclusion.

I live in that murky place where fear and faith collide.

You might not realize this, but I know a few things about fear. I’m not afraid of heights, spiders, small spaces, or long bridges.

I’m afraid of people.

People like you.

I'm not afraid of being in crowds and I don't have panic attacks at the thought of going to a party. But I do spend a ridiculous amount of time worrying about what people think about me. Did they like the last blog post? (Maybe). Did I talk too much at that party? (Probably). Are my clothes so boring that I’m a good candidate for What Not to Wear? (Likely). Am I the butt of many a joke when I’m not around? (Hard to say).

Of course, the most important question is, Why do I care?

I know who I am. I’m a child of the King. I was created in the image of the Most High. Designed by my Maker for a unique purpose in His Kingdom. My personality, likes, dislikes, strengths, and weaknesses are all a part of His master plan.

I know this. In my head.

But my heart struggles to live where faith trumps fear. Every day is a battle between my desire to stay in the boat and the call to step out in faith and walk on the water.

That world out there—out of the boat—is a wild place. There are rip-currents of confusion and tsunamis of criticism. Staying on the water requires faith in and focus on the One who calls.

Sometimes I jump out and run for it before my mind can stop me. Some days I hang onto the sides, heart racing, unable to move.

Most days, I’m right there where my fear and faith collide. I’m out of the boat, but I’m not necessarily on the water. I start strong, but then I waver. I get wet—a lot. I sink, cry out, fall into grace, and time and time again, my Savior steadies my steps and mercifully allows me to try again.

Every blog post, every word of fiction, and every devotion you read that has my name on it is a little piece of me. A visible souvenir of the war between my desire to live hidden and my desire to live obedient.

I don’t know where you live. I don’t know what God’s asking you to do. I don’t know what risks you need to take.

I do know that it's worth it. And if you’d like to share what God is calling you to do in the comments, I’d love to pray with you as we step out in faith together.

Psalm 119:133-135 ~ Keep steady my steps according to your promise, and let no iniquity get dominion over me. Redeem me from man’s oppression that I may keep your precepts. Make your face shine upon your servant , and teach me your statutes. (ESV)

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Still Out of the Boat (Part 2)

As I mentioned on Monday, this week I'm taking some time to answer a frequently asked question.

Why did you name the blog Out of the Boat?

I'm going to answer by revisiting a couple of blog posts that were written in April of 2010 when this blog was just a baby, and when I couldn't say "I'm a writer" without turning red and stammering over the words. (If you missed Monday's post, you might want to read it here first).

Some things have changed in the past two years, but one thing hasn't.

I'm still Out of the Boat.

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Out of the Boat - Part 2 (from April 2010)

I have a very active imagination.

I know what you're thinking . . . "Yeah, we sorta figured that out ever since you admitted that you've been walking around with detailed, novel length stories in your head. You're a loon."

True. I take full responsibility for my own weirdness.

But, I find having a very active imagination to be a gift. When I read verses like Eph. 3:20 where it says that God is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we can ask or imagine . . . well, I think . . . whoohoo! Bring it! 'Cause this girl can imagine some pretty amazing scenarios!!

So I started wondering about the other disciples in the boat.

 

There they are, the twelve, thinking this might be their last night because they are losing the fight. Jesus shows up, walking across the rolling seas.

 

And Peter. I do love Peter. Talk about a man with an imagination. I mean, really! Where did he come up with this? "If you are who you say you are, ask me to come to you on the water." What kind of question is that? But that's not really the point of this post - that's a freebie!

Sometimes I find the things Scripture doesn't tell us as interesting as what it does. We have no idea what the eleven guys in the boat did while Peter was tiptoeing over the waves. But our own experience gives us some good ideas.

So picture it. Imagine it was you in the boat. And your buddy starts climbing out. What would you do?

"Peter! Don't!" Frightened hands reaching to restrain him.

"I always knew he'd do something stupid and get himself killed. He just doesn't think." Deep sigh.

"Show off." Eyes rolling.

"Who does he think he is? He can't walk on water. He's always been a bit arrogant but really, this is taking it to extremes. When he goes down, we're all going to get wet trying to save his sorry self." Righteous indignation.

I find it interesting that while the account of Jesus walking on the water is found in Matthew, Mark, and John, only Matthew records Peter's part in the drama. I wonder if John was embarrassed that he didn't think of it first. I know . . . I know . . . Scripture is inspired and clearly God wanted Matthew to tell the story. I get it. Just work with me here!

Maybe Matthew was the one who was most jealous. Or most impressed. Keep in mind, they all heard Jesus. They knew Jesus had called Peter to come. They didn't just have to take his word for it. But still . . . he got out of a boat. In the middle of a storm.

I have some friends who are "out of the boat" - and in far more spectacular ways than me.

An acquaintance at church who, even though she has young children at home, has opened up her home and heart to foster children in need. I am blown away by that! I'm not sure I could do it.

A dear friend who, even though it makes absolutely no sense to most people, has put her home on the market. Why? They are downsizing their lives so they can be better positioned to go on short term missions trips. To Africa! With the whole family! I've known this girl for years. She's been a faithful and dear friend, but it was only a few months ago when she said "I've always had a heart for Africa." Really? I had NO IDEA.

I could go on. I know of two others who are serving on foreign fields. Single. No real hope of ever marrying. But they felt the call and they answered it.

And the biggest question they hear is "Why?" And sadly, when they say, "Because I felt called to do it" people often look at them like they've lost their minds.

I've wondered about my own reactions. When I hear of someone who is living their life, totally and completely sold out to Christ. Willing to take whatever steps they feel him calling them to take. Even if it seems nuts. Have I looked down my nose? "Don't they know what this will do to their children?" Questioned the timing? "Maybe that would be fine in a few years, but now?" Wondered what their decision might cost me? "They are so selfish - I'll have to pick up the slack."

No, we don't have the benefit of hearing the call ourselves. But maybe we should remember that for the one who is called, there is only one option.

Getting out of the boat made NO SENSE!

But getting out of the boat was the ONLY thing that made sense.

Because Jesus said, "Come."

 

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Next week, I'll be sharing with you the new schedule for Out of the Boat, and the rationale behind my new tagline, "Living Where Fear and Faith Collide." I hope you'll join me on the journey.

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Still Out of the Boat (Part 1)

In honor of my 200th blog post, I've been fiddling with the blog. If you're reading this in a reader or on a mobile device you may not see anything different, but I'm trying to spruce things up around here. I'm also in the process of renewing my focus for Out of the Boat and revamping the schedule, but we'll talk more about that in August.

For this week, I want to answer a question that I get asked with some frequency.

Why did you name the blog Out of the Boat?

I'm going to answer by revisiting a couple of blog posts that were written in April of 2010 when this blog was just a baby, and when I couldn't say "I'm a writer" without turning red and stammering over the words. Some things have changed in the past two years, but one thing hasn't.

I'm still Out of the Boat.

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Out of the Boat - Part 1

Matthew 14: 27-30 - But immediately Jesus spoke to them saying, "Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid." And Peter answered him, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord, save me."

Lynn's synopsis: Peter jumped out. Peter freaked out. Peter called out.

I am so out of the boat.

I guess I didn't exactly jump out of the boat. It was more like a tumble (I'm not known for being graceful). But regardless, I'm out of the boat.

And I am freaking out about it.

Bless Peter. I'm so glad he's in the Bible. I love him. I love that he had a big mouth and a big temper and that he blew it - frequently and spectacularly. And I'm thrilled that God used Peter and we all can smile when we read about Peter's antics in the gospels, because we know how the story turns out. How Peter became a bold and courageous apostle. How he lived - and died - for Christ.

But today, I'm thinking about how Peter freaked out.

The man got out of the boat. Of his own free will, he stepped out of a perfectly good boat and onto water. Water! And he walked on it. We don't know how far he walked before he realized what he had done. Maybe it was a few steps. Maybe 50 yards. But regardless, Jesus called him and he obeyed. And then he totally lost it.

For the past week or so, I've been freaking out quite a bit, once a day, OK fine. A lot. We'll leave it at that.

For me, getting out of the boat has more to do with telling people I'm a writer than the actual writing. Because now that people know . . . what do they expect? Will I be explaining to people five years from now, ten years from now, that 'yes, I'm still writing but no, I haven't been published'?

Was there any reason for Peter to get out of the boat, other than to be obedient to the call?
Does it matter if I'm ever published? Maybe to my pride. But otherwise, no. What matters is that I'm taking the next step, in obedience to my Father.

So why am I freaking out? Because I'm a perfectionist. Because I care way too much about what people think about me. Because I'm afraid of going to this conference and being embarrassed by my naivety. Because I've gotten my eyes off of my Father and on myself. Because I'm trying to do "this" myself when I'm not even sure what "this" is. Because I'm thinking about me - me - me.

But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" -Matthew 14: 30-31

I have no idea why Jesus wanted Peter to get out of the boat and I have no idea why God wants me to write. But it's not just about me. God is up to something. God is always up to something. He's that kind of God!

And when I call out to Him, He takes hold of me and says, "Baby, why are you doubting?"

Ps. 138:8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.

 

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Credits: A friend of mine posted about how Jesus is always there for us when we've jumped, or been pushed, or went kicking and screaming, out of the boat. I've been thinking about it ever since. You can read her comments here. Thanks for the encouragement Kim!
http://lovegracepeace.wordpress.com/2010/04/07/always-there/

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I wrote these words over two years ago and I'm amazed how true they still are today. I'm living life at the place where fear and faith collide. How about you? Have you stepped out in faith and now are freaking out? Tell us where you are in the journey!

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